Magazine

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

– Will Rogers

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

– Dave Barry

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

– Miles Kington

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

– Mark Twain

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

– Benny Hill

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

– Emo Philips

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

– Charles Wadsworth

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

– Isaac Asimov

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

– Mark Twain

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

– Lily Tomlin

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.

– Dave Allen

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

– Agatha Christie

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

– Robert Bloch

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

– Oscar Wilde